Goblin Treasure Found at Mall

On a recent trip to the mall, I noticed a strange trend at the jewelry counters of each major department store. Large masses of gold and silver accessories twisted together on turnstyle racks, fighting for visibility over each other in huge clumps. There was no subtlety to be found amongst these clusters of refined metal.

Clearly, major department store chains were sending out small parties on quests for goblin treasure. No such garish display jewel-making is to be found in the lands of men or of elves. This obscene mess of flashy metals can have only come from a goblin hoard.

Sears, Macy's and the like were gathering the most stalwart of their part-time managers to band together in warrior fellowship. Each employee would be chosen for their bravery, purity of heart and most recent secret shopper score. Armed only with movie replica swords supplied by the gun and knife store in the forgotten corner of the mall, between Dippin' Dots and the Korean Shoe Repair, the party would set out from the food court of men and of elves.

Subsisting solely on Auntie Anne's made of lembas bread, our heroes would journey to the goblin stronghold. Upon arrival at the mountain entrance, the weak and weary party would then traverse the labrynthine caverns of the goblin lair; finding and using various keys, felling enemies, and pushing blocks. All this to gain access to the vast treasury of sterling silver and gold-colored sterling silver, unknown in the hearts of men or of elves.

With bags full of gaudy plunder, the valiant part-time managers would trek down from Mt. Fangmurder, across the Plains of N'Dendra-Orr and finally to the mall parking lot Chili's to replenish lost HP and Triglycerides.

Gaze below and see their winnings, ye who need anniversary gifts for your wives. But pray, wait until next weekend, when they will be 30% off.

Jewel-encrusted cord meant for the fattened neck of a goblin king.

The silver has been tinged by the black soot of an evil mountain.

Decadent earrings with weight intended for the bloated fleshy lobes of goblin ears.

Most likely a mithril cord of dwarven-make, stolen by goblins in the Morrok Wars of the second age.

A wicked owl idol used by goblins to sacrifice the children of men and of elves.

Chains used to ceremonially strangle moles and groundhogs, then worn by goblin priestesses.

Golden shackles reserved for the depraved sexual acts of the goblin elite